Left eye (and not the good one)

A few months before I was diagnosed with the brain tumors, my left eye was twitching constantly.  The top and bottom eyelids wouldn’t stop twitching!  It was so annoying.  I went to a few natural doctors around that time (not for the eyelid specifically) who did different types of testing, including muscle testing.  The doctor said I had an intolerance/allergy (I cannot remember the exact term he used) of American cheese, wheat, and something else that I can’t remember either (hello brain tumors and menopause.  I can’t remember crap anymore!)

It’s interesting to note that at that time (6+ years ago) I had been loving er, I mean living on triscuits and cheese.  I think that’s only incidental but hey!  You never know. hehe

I don’t remember either if the supplements he started me on did anything to help my eye.  I do remember though getting diagnosed with a 5 cm. brain tumor 5 months later (cough! cough!)

So, my point is:  I don’t think my left eye has twitched once since this whole Rare Disease stuff began.

Guess what started twitching 3 days ago?  And, coincidentally I skipped my brain scan this mid-year.  (I am ready to do the MRI’s yearly now.)

But that’s really here nor there.

*ALSO:  I have made a few more changes to my Teespring storefront:  Please take a look!

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Daily Prompt [Trance; and also Depression is real]

I mean, it really does.  But, so does menopause, brain tumors, anxiety, hypothyroidism, loneliness, and a host of other things.  I feel like when I have days like this (read: days that suck) I need to blame something:  (see my list of things above).  I don’t know why.

I guess because I hope I’m not just lazy.  I hope that as these bad days come more often I will be able to not let them suck the life out of me and get me down even more.

Today, for example: I didn’t go to church.  I went on an “adventure” yesterday (my words) and I think I overdid it.  I just couldn’t clear the brain fog this morning.  I woke up and felt like I was in a trance.  So, I slept/napped a bit more. Did some reading.  Caught up on one of my favorite shows, and while it’s still mid afternoon I have 2 choices.  (Actually, I probably have many more but these are my main 2.)  I can take another nap, rest my brain, or get up and clean my room and catch up on my mail and laundry that’s piled up.

More later.

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Why can’t I sleep?

Does anyone else suffer from sleep anxiety?  I don’t know if it’s from the brain tumors, hysterectomy menopause, anxiety about my dire finances, depression, being overweight…or if it’s a hot mess from all that and more.

I exercise.  I try to meditate (but let’s face it) I have no idea how to do it or what I’m even doing.  I try to eat a salad a day, but I know I struggle to get enough protein because I don’t know what to eat (I don’t eat red meat anymore).

I have some medications and some natural things I take each night.  But, I usually feel horribly drunk still, the next morning.

Do  you have any tips you can offer to for my nighttime routine?  Do you do anything specific to help you sleep?

Thanks!

Sunday morning

For the record, this insomnia I’m dealing with is killing me.  It is so rough and I know this sleep deprivation is beginning to take a huge toll on me.  The burden I am now forced to carry is very heavy.

Today, I am a human being struggling to manage some wicked symptoms.  No positivity.  No happy thoughts.  Just utter frustration that my life is now all of this.

 

The Try

I’m here.

I am dealing with a lot of exhaustion lately.

Sometimes, I think I waste too much energy trying to “figure it out”: Is it because of the brain tumors? The menopause? The depression?  The brain surgeries? Something else?

Maybe I’ll just work on trying to accept what is.  That’s what my mom says to do.  Just accept it, live my life, deal with it, and move on.  I try.  My life now is all about “the try”.

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Never realized how difficult of a thing that is to do.