It too much

My head hurts. This is too much for me to process. All I want to do is sleep. People are losing their minds. People are OK with *me losing my career because I will not comply for WHAT IS NOT RIGHT FOR ME. It’s too much. I can’t handle this. I need help. And sleep.

Hopeless; yet #MentalHealthMatters, yes? So mine should matter just as much as the next person.

I don’t want to get the needle.  It’s not for me.  I have prayed and researched and studied and it’s not for me.  I don’t feel peace when I think about having that injected into my body.  I should feel peace.  I should have the right to decide for me.  If you are going to reply with “but the needle will eradicate C19” please stop.  People who got the needle are still getting C19.  They are still getting sick.  They are still getting hospitalized. They are still dying. The needle has not, and will not stop it.  Save your breath. 

However, if you choose to get the needle – then I APPLAUD you.  If you made the choice on your own, or with your family/Higher Power/anyone else you choose to discuss your personal medical history with – I APPLAUD you.  I support you in making your own choice for your body.  WHY AM I NOT AFFORDED THAT SAME RESPECT?  Please.  For the love.  I beg you.  Why am I not afforded that same human decency? You know, I am reading everywhere that #MentalHealthMatters.  Doesn’t my mental health matter too? Or just yours?  How is that OK?  How is that normal? I am terrified that the needle will trigger my brain tumors to grow.  Period.  End of sentence.  The needle isn’t for me.  I am in the process of asking my doctors to write me a letter of medical exemption if I need one for my employer.  My first doctor refused today.  My NEUROSURGEON. If I cannot find one doctor on my team how can the medical industry fail me like this? I am trying to have faith.  To be positive.  To live in hope and faith.  But, I feel hopeless. And I am terrified. I am scared. I feel like I am sinking back to the very dark place I was in last month, and that scares me too. I am afraid as my thoughts aren’t good.

Anxiety is a B!TCH and it’s slowly killing me

Hey there.  I hope you are doing well during this time of utter insanity.  Wherever you are, I hope you are well.  Me, on the other hand?  Not doing well, not in the least.  I am safe.  Yet, I am riddled with anxiety and can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  I can’t move.  I can’t work.  I struggle to breathe.  I am trying so hard to stay strong for my family.  Yet, I am weak.

All last year, I thought I managed this well. Now, people are losing their damn minds and acting like it’s OK! It’s not! I don’t care whether or not you choose to take the needle.  It’s not my damn business what anyone else does! Nor is it YOURS! Unless it adversely affects me or my family – YOU DO YOU.  But, leave my nurses alone!  Leave my firemen alone! If you don’t “agree” then take a hard look in the mirror and mind your own damn business.

This is utter insanity.  No, “masking” isn’t OK. It’s not normal UNLESS YOU ARE SICK AND DO NOT WANT TO GET OTHERS SICK.  A mask isn’t a fashion statement for heaven’s sake.  How do I rise above this insanity and not have another nervous break down? What is wrong with people?!

Dear Readers:  How are you staying sane during this utter time of chaos and panic?  What is working for you to not lower your energy? Would love to know what is working for you. ❤

On anxiety

The thing with anxiety is that it makes you feel like your body is betraying you.  That there’s something wrong with you.  I mean, I have always been wound up pretty tight.  It’s common knowledge if you know me, or know anything about me.  But, something is different this time.  Something isn’t right.  My body can’t be trusted.  Just like my brain can’t be trusted, either.  I don’t know how to cope.  I am trying to distract myself with things, but I have to be careful what type of things I surround myself, you know?  I know it’s a drag to hear from your “friend who always complains”.…but, don’t judge them.  Don’t think you know what they are carrying because you have no idea.

Believe me, I know that every person is the world is affected right now.  Trust me, if I could fix my brain and my body, I would have done it last week.  I know I am powerless, but this is kicking my trash.  Hard.  Please don’t get it twisted.

Checking in for hope

I am probably going to be writing more lately.  I mean, I kept this blog going all these years as a tool to help me process my emotions.  In case it wasn’t clear, I am greatly struggling right now.  People are losing their minds.  People are judging those they don’t know.  People are being cruel.  People are forgetting we came to this Earth with our God-given agency.  People are trying to get in my business.  People are bullying me because I choose different than they do.  People are horrific (especially those on the Twitter).  I am not coping well with this.  I cannot work.  I cannot eat.  I feel like something is really wrong with me.  I mean, there is something wrong with my mind.  I cannot detach from this because people are coming – for – me and it’s now affecting my career.  I beg of you, wherever you land on the v a (( i n e…….please check yourself if you’re contributing to the divide in our nation.

Baby steps

This morning I had my first EMDR therapy session and I’ll be damned if I didn’t go straight to the few moments before the first craniotomy. It was so very much. 🤧