This weekend I was preparing for the lesson and came across something that stopped me in my tracks and I would like to share it with you:
Hope you have a great week. ❤
I am striving to be more mindful that today is His Day.
I have several posts half-written still in my drafts folder. About my kidney scan and mammogram appointment, the telephone call I never imagined I would ever make, my thoughts and fears about the Disability Hearing date finally being set (next month!), all added to the 5 year anniversary (July 2011) of my life becoming all this.
Life is crazy. My life is nuts. I continue to strive to enjoy my life. That is such a foreign concept to me now. Enjoy life? I know it’s a blessing to me. Although, it’s been so incredibly difficult and painful these past 5 years, I’m doing all I can to find the balance.
I had a brain scan this week, and saw the neurosurgeon on Friday for the review. I was up super late last night going through the report with a fine-toothed comb.
Just participated in a #BTSM (brain tumor social media) tweetchat.
I had a terrible dizzy episode this morning right after I woke up.
At church last week I had a horrible experience in teaching my Relief Society lesson. The connection between my brain and my mouth was lost. I couldn’t get the words out. I lost it in front of the sisters. I cried.
I also had a good dinner with a friend Friday night.
I bought some new shoes and a new workout top, too.
I have done a lot of sudoku puzzles these last couple of months.
Went to a zoo with my family.
Usually, my brain stuff keeps me up at night, but what I continue to learn each day is that I have to balance my life and my health. I don’t do it well, and I don’t do it often. I just get to keep practicing.
Something happened to me at church today, and I really didn’t like it. I teach Relief Society once a month and this morning during the lesson I got very dizzy and lost my balance. (Thankfully I didn’t faceplant). I was embarrassed and really scared. I know that most of the sisters thought I was getting emotional about what I was reading, although a few sisters (who know my history) knew exactly what was happening.
I was fighting a headache all morning. Then that happened. It kind of felt like I was on a roller coaster ride and it was still moving, although I wasn’t. I grabbed a chair and very carefully sat down on it. It was the weirdest thing. Sure, I get dizzy when I lay down for bed. Or, when I’m turning over in bed. Or, when I am walking and I look down, or any such thing. But, this was new. And, I didn’t like it.
I guess this is brain tumor life. Or, Lhermitte-duclos life. Or, brain surgery life. Who knows. It’s just terrifying. Scary, unknown stuff and I’m scared this dizzy crap is going to start really interfering with my quality of life.
Crap. Freaking crap crap crap.
Why is it that I seem to think of blog posts as I am rushing to get to church each week?
Since I am a substitute teacher I think often of how I can present my lesson material to the sisters to make it interesting and engaging. Each month, I read the lesson and choose several sections that I think we can cover during the hour. I read the Section Question aloud to the sisters; then we all read together (or “Popcorn” as some teachers may know it to be called); then I read the question again at the end of the section and hopefully we have a great discussion about what was just read. 🙂
Last month I had prepared a different way to give my lesson. I friend of mine who is a 2nd grade teacher, and also taught for Relief Society last month as a substitute, shared this method with me and I really felt good about it. “Let’s do it!”, I thought to myself. I was excited. I had prepared. I thought the lesson would be great! Interesting! Engaging! Participation to the “T”! I was ready to go!
Except for one thing.
That morning I felt sick. Scared. Nervous. Uneasy. Unhinged. I could not figure it out! I shouldn’t be nervous to stand before these women – most of them have known me since birth. It was the oddest feeling. I couldn’t much put my finger on it. I just knew something was different. Was it me? Why was I doubting things and my ability? What was going on? What was up? Right before class I was reviewing the chapter and a sister came over to me to visit. I shared with her my feelings, and I said to her that I wondered if this was the Spirit telling me something? She said that there was a difference between doubting my ability and receiving an impression from the Holy Ghost. OF COURSE she was right. I just didn’t know how to tell which was which!
Even as I walked into the Relief Society room I had no idea which was I was going to teach the lesson. As I walked up to the podium, I began to talk. Sometimes like to make small jokes (nothing inappropriate) but I say that I am OK with throwing myself under the bus as long as *I* am the one doing it. 🙂 And I shared my dilemma about which way I was going to present my lesson to them. The:
And, I just went into #1. The usual way I teach.
After the lesson was over I had a few women tell me that they really dislike lessons using #2. And another one told me last week that she was glad I chose #1 because it was “something I was good at”.
In hindsight I am very glad to have had this experience. While I am not the best at articulating things, it was good for me to have those “feelings” and to discern to the best of my ability and then give it my best shot.