…but right at diagnosis (after the brain surgeries) I had 2 huge fears. Fears that kept me up night: that I would have to have the shunt and have to file bankruptcy.
Thankfully, I have avoided the shunt so far.
I met with an attorney today to discuss my bankruptcy options.
I feel: sad, depressed, scared, alone, anxious, and a ton of other emotions that I haven’t yet identified.
No one can tell me what to do.
But, what do I do?
…I didn’t have a care in the world.
Today, I am overcome with fear about the 2nd brain tumor. When it grows, how will I feel? How will it affect me? What will happen to me? When will I know? Will I change? What will happen to my ventricles? Will it be like last time? Will I get hydrocephalus again? Will I need to have a shunt put in? I’m afraid. I am really afraid.
Today, I really do not like having 2 brain tumors. It is Thursday, so I think I will share this on The Twitter for #BrainTumorThursday. How appropriate. Although, I’d give almost anything for it NOT to be appropriate.
You know how great you feel when you’ve been sick for a while…then time passes and you feel better? I’m kind of getting a small glimpse of that. Physically and emotionally. Tiny glimmer of it. Had a very emotional week and then topped it off with seeing the surgeon yesterday and he had to do some work to my incision. I’ve had a GNARLY scab (sorry! gross!) there for the longest time and it has not budged one inch. Mom and I have thought it would have to get smaller eventually…and it would not budge or anything. So we finally went in to see him and he went to work. It was a bit uncomfortable for me but I was a brave little toaster. 🙂
It ended up that having this THING on my head kept the incision from healing all the way still. (Hello…I’m almost to 3 months from the 2nd surgery!?) but the GREAT thing is that it has healed from the inside…but he still had to do a bunch of stuff to make sure it was super clean. He had to shave more of my hair around it and stuff, but I was just so thankful that I could move my head and neck that far down for him to do what he needed to do to take care of it. So now I have more bandages on my hair and tape but my hair is still long enough to cover most of it. Work is postponed at least another week because of this –
AND – I’m having a CT scan on Monday. This past Monday I woke up with a headache and pretty nauseous. (How come I can’t remember if I’ve already posted about this or not? Oh yep – because I had brain surgery a while ago…hehe!) – and some other symptoms with my balance and stuff. I mentioned this to the surgeon so he ordered the CT scan. He reminded me (or reassured me, I guess) that the tumors I have are slow-growing tumors (like YEARS) and that the ventricles in my brain won’t just “crap out” and stop working. Because I was a bit concerned the shunt was going to be happening sooner rather than later. Thankfully it doesn’t work that way….
I seem to talk a good game about faith when things are going good. But when things take a turn for the worse, or what it seems to me and I pray it’s not, I seem to forget all I’ve learned?
The 2 great things I fear most right now is having to have a shunt put in and the breast cancer risk. We have dodged the bullet for the shunt right after surgery because the ventricles in my brain went back to their regular job duties and the water can be moved around appropriately. I’m not clear if all of a sudden the water or ventricles can freak out, do something weird, or some such thing. All I know is something has been off the last 2 days.
I am in the bad place because all my symptoms match hydrocephalus (most of them anyway) but I also just started a new herb 2 days ago that in my research…is supposed to help keep the tumors small. I am stopping the herb today and praying my symptoms go away. Plus I see the oncologist tomorrow and will be telling her all this.
All the while I will continuously be praying today to stay in faith. If you pray-will you please say a prayer for me for health and strength to stay close to the Lord? Thank you.