I’m doing the best I can to own my truth. My life with 2 brain tumors and post-brain surgery is a drag sometimes. While a few days ago I felt a smile return, it’s nothing like how I was feeling a few months ago. I want to feel how I did then! On Medication? Check. Therapy? Check. Exercise? Check. I’m still doing all those things now. So, what the eff is wrong? Why this depression still?
I have no idea. I can’t piece anything together, really. Except that I am noticing more and more
issues delays problems (?) with my walk (gait) and balance. I cannot stand still with my eyes closed (I mean, who does that on a normal day, anyway?) and I need more and more support when I’m working out. I can’t tell you how frustrated this makes me! I see everyone else doing the exercises and here I am using the wall for support. Or, not using the free weights because I might lose my balance and fall. Things like that. Things like this make me feel different, and I have felt different my entire life. I always felt like something was wrong with me, and most doctors I saw told me, “Just lose weight. You’ll be fine.” (Never mind I had a huge goiter in my neck, and come to find out a huge brain tumor too!) But, was it my intuition telling me that I was different? Or that something was wrong with me? Something not quite right? I don’t know, but it took brain surgery to finally get me validated. And now, when my brain feels “odd”, or “not quite right”, I am concerned that people are judging me. I am concerned that people think I am faking, or “She had surgery and she’s fine. So, what’s all this now?”
I can’t explain why I seem to have good brain days then bad ones. Today, a bad one. My brain feels like it’s getting mashed like potatoes or something, and then I know I’m not quite right when this happens. I have a headache on crack. Weather changes exacerbate it, I’m sure. As does life, stress, or chocolate (HA). But isn’t chocolate supposed to help stress?
I can’t deny that this cloud of depression is still hanging over me. It’s never been this palpable where I can about taste it. Nothing else has changed in my life to make this so much worse for me! I am still in the process of scheduling an appointment at a large hospital for another test on my brain. I am still volunteering. I am still subbing when I can. I am still managing my schedule with all my appointments. I am still in dire financial trouble. I am still involved in a 12-step program.
Am I over-analyzing things too much? Probably. Am I going to be searching ’til the end of time about why things change so much on a dime? Probably. Should I accept what I don’t like? Of course. I just don’t know how to do that. My brain is a jumble of things on a moment-to-moment basis that if one thing falls through, I feel as though I am doomed. Would I be feeling this same way if I didn’t have Lhermitte-duclos Disease? I’ve always wondered that. I’ve always wondered if this is just “Regular Heather” or “Brain-tumored Heather” and it just is. I know that I am better on acceptance but no where close to where I need to be. Because when something like this happens (the severe depression) it scares me so deeply because it has exacerbated my scars.
Does this make sense? Why am I using so many question marks? Because I am really trying to use this post as a therapy outlet, specifically for the depression. I want to feel better. I guess I just have to own today and accept that this is where I am today. And, hope that tomorrow I’ll be in a better place.