I’m always big on dates

Two years ago tomorrow, October 21, 2017, I had bariatric surgery that saved (at least part of) my life.

I’ll get to writing about that very soon.

Finally had the FNA in my thyroid bed a week ago Friday. EIGHT (8!) times my Doc. had to put that bloody needle in my neck. And DIG. A lot.

It was bloody freaking hell and I do not want to ever have another fine needle biopsy again. I accidentally took a bit more Xanax than I should have and the back office staff was kind of freaking out, BUT I HAD TO DO WHAT I HAD TO DO: and my lovely Xanax still wore off after the first needle stick. #sucks

Doc says results should be in in 10 days. I’m not lucky nor a betting woman, but if I were, I would place big money on black that there will yet again be NO diagnosable tissue.

I will let you know as soon as I do!


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As I write this early this morning, I have my next FNA on my thyroid. This issue has been going on for 12 months and we still do not have any answer on whether this (spot) is a lymph node, thyroid tissues, cancer regrowth, or what. My hunch is that it’s my thyroid growing back as I had my gigantic tonsils removed in the early 90’s and they are also growing back.

I have a driver. I will be sedated. This isn’t my first rodeo so I thankfully have some tips to help myself during this.

I’m not going to lie. It’s an ordeal. It’s more than just “shoving a needle in my haystack neck hoping to find the damn needle.” 🙂 The procedure isn’t for another 3 hours and I’ve been awake since 4 AM trying to mentally prepare for it.

I’m hungry. I’m tired. I should go clean my room. Happy Friday!

 

Except it.

  1. You have two brain tumors.
  2. You have a rare genetic condition called Cowden Syndrome.
  3. You had 2 brain surgeries.
  4. You had a prophylactic hysterectomy.
  5. You had thyroid cancer and had 2 surgeries as well.
  6. Once returning to work after both brain surgeries, you were bullied and forced to quit.
  7. You now have some cognitive issues.
  8. You applied for Disability.
  9. You were denied Disability.
  10. You tried to raise money to survive.
  11. You were forced to file bankruptcy.

But just except it, Heather. Then you’ll be fine.

Here…

  • I don’t have to be brave.
  • I don’t have to be strong.
  • I am not alone.
  • I can be honest.
  • I can be myself.
  • I can scream.
  • I can yell.
  • I can cry.
  • I can be scared.
  • I can be myself. Truly and authentically me.

I am having another fine-needle biopsy this Friday.  Again.  On my neck.  Where I am not supposed to have a thyroid.  I road this route in 2003 and 2006; I am supposed to be done.  So what the hell is going on? I’m pissed this is still going on.  Next month will be an entire year dealing with this thyroid “regrowth” and between dumb-ass insurance companies dicking me around, making me jump through additional UNNECESSARY hoops, etc. etc. I still don’t have an answer as to what the freak is growing in my thyroid bed.

The system is vehemently broken, as I’ve said before.  And, I will say it again and again.

(Is it odd that I want it to be cancer or suspicious enough that they can just take “it” out?)

Give me another damn surgery so I don’t have to be worrying about thyroid cancer regrowth.

But guess what.

When you get a diagnosis of Cowden Syndrome worry comes with territory.

In these last 8 years I have learned that Cowden Syndrome equals worry.  There’s no way around it.

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Click here to see the shirt I created for just this exact moment.  Ironically enough, I created this when I was denied disability.  Yet how appropriate is it for me today!

Blog Housekeeping

Does anyone know how I can make my Wordless Wednesday photos the same size?

I thought that I could choose MED/LG/JUMBO or some such thing…but now I can’t find that option in the media tab/folder?

Thanks in advance. My OCD is on fire with my photos all different sizes. #Blergh

Over-freaking-whelmed

I’m feeling very overwhelmed. My anxiety is getting out of control and I even took an Ativan last night. That wasn’t the best decision as I’ve been awake since 2:15 AM. #fail

I’m not over the resentment and bitter anger I have towards the Disability “Judge” who denied my claim for disability.  I wish I could remember what he looked like and I wish I could run into him on the street.  I would give him a piece of my mind.

Managing a Rare Disease life is a full time job, obvi.  It’s quite difficult for me to keep my head above water, to remember when appointment/scan is coming up next, etc. etc.  Now, add to THAT stress the pressure of a full-time job, too.  Yes, I know how incredibly blessed I am to have been hired.  Yes, I know how incredibly lucky and grateful I am to have a place to go earn money.  Yes, I know all of this. Regardless of my knowledge it’s still very difficult for me. I try to put on a brave face, but I’m on the verge of a breakdown most days.

I try to make the conscious decision each day NOT to think of the brain tumors.  I think about my cats, my family, my car maintenance, finding a good book to read, etc.

But, I won’t lie and say I do it or that it’s easy.  These damn tumors have taken my confidence, (what little I had anyway.)

Walking into the job each day I feel like a fraud.  I feel like people are looking at me and judging me accordingly.  Granted, I haven’t told anyone (besides a select few) about my medical status because I know, I just know, that it would be used against me and I’d lose this job.

Now that I’ve come this far – lost other insurance, procedures got denied, had to get a new doctor, my other doctors weren’t covered for me to see, blah blah blah. I have to see this through ’til I’m dead.

Watched some news.  Going to exercise. Need to make a plan besides writing and reading blog posts all day.  Happy Labor Day!