I’m feeling very overwhelmed. My anxiety is getting out of control and I even took an Ativan last night. That wasn’t the best decision as I’ve been awake since 2:15 AM. #fail
I’m not over the resentment and bitter anger I have towards the Disability “Judge” who denied my claim for disability. I wish I could remember what he looked like and I wish I could run into him on the street. I would give him a piece of my mind.
Managing a Rare Disease life is a full time job, obvi. It’s quite difficult for me to keep my head above water, to remember when appointment/scan is coming up next, etc. etc. Now, add to THAT stress the pressure of a full-time job, too. Yes, I know how incredibly blessed I am to have been hired. Yes, I know how incredibly lucky and grateful I am to have a place to go earn money. Yes, I know all of this. Regardless of my knowledge it’s still very difficult for me. I try to put on a brave face, but I’m on the verge of a breakdown most days.
I try to make the conscious decision each day NOT to think of the brain tumors. I think about my cats, my family, my car maintenance, finding a good book to read, etc.
But, I won’t lie and say I do it or that it’s easy. These damn tumors have taken my confidence, (what little I had anyway.)
Walking into the job each day I feel like a fraud. I feel like people are looking at me and judging me accordingly. Granted, I haven’t told anyone (besides a select few) about my medical status because I know, I just know, that it would be used against me and I’d lose this job.
Now that I’ve come this far – lost other insurance, procedures got denied, had to get a new doctor, my other doctors weren’t covered for me to see, blah blah blah. I have to see this through ’til I’m dead.
Watched some news. Going to exercise. Need to make a plan besides writing and reading blog posts all day. Happy Labor Day!