No one should. Ever.
However, I do.
My task is now managing fear of the unknown while trying to enjoy the life I’ve been given.
During my recovery from the brain surgeries someone told me, “Oh Heather. You’re so brave. I couldn’t do what you’re doing.”
Ugh, that comment still makes my blood boil, even years later. I get that she was trying to be supportive or caring, but believe me that isn’t the way to go about it.
I am not brave. I am not courageous. I wasn’t climbing a mountain or swimming with sharks for Pete’s sake.
I was trying to not die.
He has been on my mind today.
Did I ever tell you that before my dad went on his mission he was interviewed by President Hinckley?!
There’s a quote that always reminds me of him – “Forget yourself and go to work.”
Here’s the back story of that quote if you’d like to read it. 🙂
So, that’s what I did today! I (tried) to forget myself and went to work.
Yesterday I had the consult with the GI doctor regarding my next colonoscopy and EGD. I’m not looking forward to it to be completely honest. I also got a call from the pharmacy yesterday that my insurance doesn’t cover the prep and my co-pay is $100.
Yah, that’s not happening.
I made some calls this morning about another option for the prep and then spent all morning searching online. Searching for “work from home” jobs (legit ones, obvi) and any other “side hustle” jobs out in the world. (Could I drive for Uber Eats? Or Go Puff?)
Suuuuuuure I could. If there were any available.
My point being this: I had a very rough day yesterday, ending with the doctor appointment which always brings up my PTSD, etc. I slept relatively well last night and got up today and tried to be productive.
Granted, nothing developed from my searching. But at least Heavenly Father saw that today I was trying. I really tried hard. And, even felt “good” to boot. 🙂 so here’s to another good day tomorrow! 🙏🏻
I know we’re encouraged to have faith during our trials.
But, how do I get some?
I’m constantly nauseous because the realization is hitting me harder and deeper: I cannot afford to live.
Why would Heavenly Father bring me through 2 brain surgeries, and a host of other surgeries, for this?
I feel terribly guilty. I feel like and AM such a burden. No one understands the inner turmoil this brings me.
This is all my life is?
I’ve read different blogs for about 30 minutes this Saturday morning. Trying to understand what I am feeling, or at least distract myself from what I am feeling.
Some mornings I awake and think to myself, “I should write today. There’s so much anxiety coursing through my veins, I need to get it out. I need to cry, scream, rant, process it all here. I am actually quite nervous about my breast MRI next month. I wonder if this will be the day I get the news? Will I hear the “C” word that day?
Then I have my consult for my colonoscopy and EGD this month. My esophagus hasn’t been very friendly these last few years and I wonder how my throat looks now? I also just found out that I am now going to have to pay every time I see my doctors, and believe me, there are many that I see. So, I don’t work with any regularity and was denied disability, so how in the world can I afford to pay the doctors every time I see them? OH, I CANNOT PAY THEM. That’s right.
And, even though I can work on-call some days, when I am feeling well enough, I still cannot avoid bankruptcy. And, I had 2 job interviews these past 2 weeks and didn’t get either job! What gives? Why can’t I catch a break? My life sucks and I cannot get my head above water. I feel like I am drowning, literally. I don’t insist on much. Really. And now, I don’t hope too much either. I’m tired of the stress. When will it end?
Whoa. As I just wrote that I felt a lightning bolt – that’ll happen when I’m dead.”
Since getting diagnosed with 2 rare brain tumors and a Rare Disease called Cowden Syndrome, I’m not a huge fan of medical/doctor type things: I have my next breast MRI coming up, along with my follow-up colonoscopy and EGD. I always tend to wonder, “Is today the day I get diagnosed with cancer?”
I think it’s some type of PTSD from the brain surgeries, and while I know I am not having brain surgery today, it’s still a painful pill for me to swallow most other days. My life now will never not have any medical/doctor type things in it.
I must remember to B R E A T H E through the anxiety….
I am still bewildered, even 7 years later, that I have 2 brain tumors and a Rare Disease called Cowden Syndrome.
Oh my. I could fill an entire blog of pictures of things that are beloved to me. What first is brought to my mind is our beloved Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, recently passed away. I remember when President Hinckley passed away and how painful that was. This loss is the same yet different.
The 2nd thing brought to my mind, (besides my family of course) is my boy Shadow. I am going to start crying as I type this, so I will keep this short. He had a rough life before us. He lived (and somehow survived) on the streets for over 10 years. He is now waiting for me on the Rainbow Bridge as of this past December. I am minutely comforted in this loss by reminding myself that during the last year of his life he was loved, fed, protected, and a host of other things we were able to give to him.
I miss him terribly.
I don’t think I’ll ever get used to having a brain tumor. I guess, that’s understandable right? I mean there are 2 foreign
objects things types of poison in my cerebellum that wreaks havoc on my life.
SIDE NOTE: I began to read the Wikipedia link on the cerebellum. I now feel like vomiting.
I work temporarily, on-call, and when I am physically able. I worked for several hours yesterday, and what do you think today entails? Resting. Reading maybe. QUIET. I cannot tolerate the TV, music, radio, podcasts, NOTHING. It’s so annoying. And, frustrating. I just want to live a normal (what’s that, right?) life and feel like a contributing member of society. It always goes back to the financial duress I am under every moment, and that I am unable to finance my life and support even my bare living necessities.
What happens to people like me? Where do we go? Are we forgotten always?
Today was my oncology appointment. Gah.
I had a few months of “quiet” but that’s now over. The breast MRI, colonoscopy, and EGD are next up to bat.
I’ve come this far, but man I’ll tell ya…it’s so much. I’ve always battled generalized anxiety, but when things come at me fast like this, my anxiety is running full speed at 150%.
Praying for sleep tonight.