This isn’t a post about awareness or advocacy. This isn’t a post about getting 8+ hours of sleep. This post is about processing everything for me. I don’t have a friend I can call to share my feelings. Now, I don’t say that for pity, it’s just reality and to be honest, I don’t really trust many people since my surgery. So, ironically, I choose to vent in this “safe” place, instead. (That sentence probably wins the Internet.) :)
It’s almost midnight but I can’t sleep. While I vaguely alluded to this on my Facebook page a few days ago there’s more. There’s more within me. And it’s coming out with a vengeance tonight. Fear. Worry. Doubt. Of course, if you’ve read my blog lately you know that I struggle quite often with these emotions, and that’s why I love Yoga so much because Yoga gives me a bit of strength to look Fear in the face and say “Eff off.” (Doesn’t work perfectly, but kinda.)
Friday I was at the mall and I got a phone call from my primary doctor (Dr. B). She was telling me about the results from the EKG I had a few weeks ago. Now, I know I had to have had EKG’s in the past before other surgeries, and in fact I knew I had one before the first brain surgery (and come to find out I had one the day after the surgery too) but I do not recall any doctor ever going through the results with me. Why? Because there wasn’t much to talk about? Or because we had bigger fish to fry (i.e. brain surgery)? I don’t know. But, over the last few months I have felt a prompting to ask to have my heart checked, at least again.
I’m in the dressing room, sitting down, trying to hear her as other women are YELLING in their cell phones, while I wanted to scream out, “Can you please all SHUT UP? My doctor is on the phone and I need to hear her!” Of course, that didn’t happen, but I sure wanted it to. Dr. B asked if she should call me back, and my gut said, “No. She called you Friday at 4:50 PM. You talk to her now.”
Dr. B: “Blah blah blah blah blah mild M.I.”
Me: “Uh huh.”
Dr. B: “Now are you mildly to moderately concerned or are you freaking out?”
Me: “I’m trying to stay calm and understand what you’re saying but I’m moderately concerned.”
Of course, Dr. B never says “Blah” to me (although maybe she does in her head when she’s listening to me?) but all I could understand was “Mild M.I.” The other words she said just made absolute 0 sense to me. Even when I asked a few questions I still didn’t get it. But, I asked her if this was because of my weight? She knows I have been busting my tail working out and the weight is not budging (for another post, I’ll get there). She said that if my heart was stressed, these results would be different. Then, I asked her if I needed to stop working out…(am I going to have a heart attack and keel over in Zumba?) She said that the cardiovascular exercise will only make my heart muscle stronger and make it work more efficiently.
You know on a heart monitor the pointed line that goes up and down and beeps? Mine doesn’t go as high as it should, or as high as expected. My cholesterol is good. My HDL is good (I think it was 54 or 57). I don’t think any of this is related to brain tumors or rare, genetic conditions. But, I am not a doctor. She is going to order another test this week.
What does this all mean? Does it mean the life I thought I deserved is out the window? Does it mean I haven’t relied nearly enough on the Lord to calm my soul (I almost typed “heart” but that would have been too funny). I state many times I have this blog to write all this garbage down. All the fear. All the unknowns. All the woes with my financial struggles, burdens, direction of my life, wishing my life were different, all of that. And, then I leave it here and go take care of myself to sleep well. Listen to nice music. And just do the best with what I can tomorrow. I don’t blame God. While I’m confused and very fearful, and wonder WHEN “This Too Shall Pass”, it’s becoming painfully clear to me that….
“This” may not pass.