I mean, it really does. But, so does menopause, brain tumors, anxiety, hypothyroidism, loneliness, and a host of other things. I feel like when I have days like this (read: days that suck) I need to blame something: (see my list of things above). I don’t know why.
I guess because I hope I’m not just lazy. I hope that as these bad days come more often I will be able to not let them suck the life out of me and get me down even more.
Today, for example: I didn’t go to church. I went on an “adventure” yesterday (my words) and I think I overdid it. I just couldn’t clear the brain fog this morning. I woke up and felt like I was in a trance. So, I slept/napped a bit more. Did some reading. Caught up on one of my favorite shows, and while it’s still mid afternoon I have 2 choices. (Actually, I probably have many more but these are my main 2.) I can take another nap, rest my brain, or get up and clean my room and catch up on my mail and laundry that’s piled up.
A quick search states that solitary means: existing alone, unaccompanied, alone, friendless.
And it’s funny that I find myself alone as I am writing this post. Alone, except for my cats. I am a very proud Cat Mom. ❤
At this point in my life, or rather my CS life, I am unaccompanied at my medical appointments. But you know what? Just because I go to them alone doesn’t mean they are any easier to manage or bear alone.
I have just read a few posts on this prompt and much of what I read talked about being an introvert or extrovert and how to manage your life as such. I don’t know what I would call myself actually, but I guess my point is I wish I wasn’t in this medical world alone. It gets very lonely and overwhelming sometimes.
Medical world, Rare Disease world, Brain Tumor world, all of it. I can seem strong sometimes, because strong is the only choice I have.
Sometimes, it’s fun to look back at from where I came. My real medical life began in 2003 when I got diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I hadn’t really been all that sick prior to that. Little things here and there, had my tonsils removed when I was 19, that’s about it.
Obviously I can connect the dots now and see how most everything from birth-2003 and then 2003-2011 screamed Cowden Syndrome, but whatev. Did you know that thyroid cancer is one of the “signs” (my words) of Cowden Syndrome?!
I saw the endocrinologist this week. With all the ones I’ve been through, not including one specific one who was my doctor for EIGHT YEARS, this current one is pretty good. I’ve had better (see previous sentence) and I have seen much worse.
People can’t seem to leave my TSH alone. It’s either too high; too low; too whatever and we have to worry about blah blah blah. I just KNOW how I feel when my TSH is a certain number. Can’t you all leave me alone? (NOTE: Mild sarcasm. I get it.)
I saw Dr. Endo this week. He loves my TSH at 1. something. I hate it.
I love my TSH around .10 or .20. But, he doesn’t.
Anyway, more blood work. Checking of my T3 or T4 or something. I don’t know. Then, I see Dr. Oncologist in the next weeks to check The Ladies.
What’s new with you? 🙂
So, this post is just to get all this crap out of my head so that hopefully I can sleep tonight.
Welp. I don’t sleep any other night, so why would tonight be any different?
LET ME BREAK THIS DOWN:
- I have 2 rare brain tumors
- I have a hereditary cancer syndrome called Cowden Syndrome
- I had 2 brain surgeries and am currently experiencing issues/effects from having my brain scrambled a few times
- Blah blah blah – I see a zillion doctors
- I apply for disability 3 1/2 years ago
- I GET DENIED for disability
- I can’t work, I can’t understand and process things as quickly as I used to, etc. etc. etc.
- Just a few weeks ago I found out about a job that’s in my field, PART-TIME, matches my degree area, pays INCREDIBLY, literally perfect on paper so I scrambled (ha!) and applied. I am very qualified for the job
- FOUND OUT TONIGHT THAT I didn’t even get called for a damn interview for the position
- ALSO, DO YOU KNOW THAT I CANNOT EVEN GET AN INTERVIEW FOR TARGET?!
- What does God want from me?
- One needs money in order to survive in this world!
- Filing bankruptcy has been one of my worst fears since diagnosis and I have been able to avoid it. Until now
- I can’t work. But, then when I find something that would be a STRUGGLE but do-able, I don’t even get a call to interview for it
- I am a good person! I have a degree!
- What the hell is wrong with me and what I am I supposed to do now? Sell my body on a street corner to make ends meet?
As I first read today’s prompt, I thought to myself, “How does that song go? Shining, shimmering, splendid?”
Since I am clearly not a writer, I have recently made more effort to write on these Daily Prompts. For a ton of reasons (practice makes perfect!) but mainly so that I can (hopefully) write about other things than brain tumors and cancer, to show you I can be a really well-rounded person! 🙂
I love Aladdin. It’s actually one of my favorite movies!
I have such fond memories of watching the Aladdin show at the Hyperion Theater at DCA in California. Still heartbroken the show ended, but I know life must go on.
Want to know a secret?
I used to
wish hope pray that if I ever got married my husband-to-be would propose somewhere at either park, but deep down I hoped the Aladdin show could have been the place. “A Whole New World” kills me every time and I used to dream that would be the first song my husband and I danced to. ❤