November 2021 check-in

Hi. It’s been a quite a while; at least it feels that way. Just quickly checking-in. I think the old anti-depressant is doing its job helping my anxiety as I am not crying instantaneously as I was a few months ago. As of this post, I am still employed. Haven’t heard anything from the “governor” and what may happen is his tyrannical mind. But, I feel a tad more confident that if I have to walk away from my job to protect my health and agency, the Lord has got me. He has something better in store for me. I just have to exercise my faith in Him. 

It too much

My head hurts. This is too much for me to process. All I want to do is sleep. People are losing their minds. People are OK with *me losing my career because I will not comply for WHAT IS NOT RIGHT FOR ME. It’s too much. I can’t handle this. I need help. And sleep.

What planet do we live on?!

I was just told that my hospital is refusing to grant any medical exemption for the needle to ANY patient. Period. This is not OK! If you are living with 2 rare brain tumors that have been stable for 10 years and have no qualms about being forced to take it, please contact me. Otherwise, if you feel that this rule from the hospital is OK, please unfollow me now. We will not ever agree to disagree over this.

My “doctors”, and I use that term loosely, work for ME. They are supposed to advocate for ME. What the hell am I paying so much money for if this is the treatment I receive from them? This is utter BS. I have a voice and my voice matters. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED OR BULLIED. I have called the grievance line for the hospital and you can sure as hell bet I am not going to take this lying down.

Hopeless; yet #MentalHealthMatters, yes? So mine should matter just as much as the next person.

I don’t want to get the needle.  It’s not for me.  I have prayed and researched and studied and it’s not for me.  I don’t feel peace when I think about having that injected into my body.  I should feel peace.  I should have the right to decide for me.  If you are going to reply with “but the needle will eradicate C19” please stop.  People who got the needle are still getting C19.  They are still getting sick.  They are still getting hospitalized. They are still dying. The needle has not, and will not stop it.  Save your breath. 

However, if you choose to get the needle – then I APPLAUD you.  If you made the choice on your own, or with your family/Higher Power/anyone else you choose to discuss your personal medical history with – I APPLAUD you.  I support you in making your own choice for your body.  WHY AM I NOT AFFORDED THAT SAME RESPECT?  Please.  For the love.  I beg you.  Why am I not afforded that same human decency? You know, I am reading everywhere that #MentalHealthMatters.  Doesn’t my mental health matter too? Or just yours?  How is that OK?  How is that normal? I am terrified that the needle will trigger my brain tumors to grow.  Period.  End of sentence.  The needle isn’t for me.  I am in the process of asking my doctors to write me a letter of medical exemption if I need one for my employer.  My first doctor refused today.  My NEUROSURGEON. If I cannot find one doctor on my team how can the medical industry fail me like this? I am trying to have faith.  To be positive.  To live in hope and faith.  But, I feel hopeless. And I am terrified. I am scared. I feel like I am sinking back to the very dark place I was in last month, and that scares me too. I am afraid as my thoughts aren’t good.

Anxiety is a B!TCH and it’s slowly killing me

Hey there.  I hope you are doing well during this time of utter insanity.  Wherever you are, I hope you are well.  Me, on the other hand?  Not doing well, not in the least.  I am safe.  Yet, I am riddled with anxiety and can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  I can’t move.  I can’t work.  I struggle to breathe.  I am trying so hard to stay strong for my family.  Yet, I am weak.

All last year, I thought I managed this well. Now, people are losing their damn minds and acting like it’s OK! It’s not! I don’t care whether or not you choose to take the needle.  It’s not my damn business what anyone else does! Nor is it YOURS! Unless it adversely affects me or my family – YOU DO YOU.  But, leave my nurses alone!  Leave my firemen alone! If you don’t “agree” then take a hard look in the mirror and mind your own damn business.

This is utter insanity.  No, “masking” isn’t OK. It’s not normal UNLESS YOU ARE SICK AND DO NOT WANT TO GET OTHERS SICK.  A mask isn’t a fashion statement for heaven’s sake.  How do I rise above this insanity and not have another nervous break down? What is wrong with people?!

Dear Readers:  How are you staying sane during this utter time of chaos and panic?  What is working for you to not lower your energy? Would love to know what is working for you. ❤

On anxiety

The thing with anxiety is that it makes you feel like your body is betraying you.  That there’s something wrong with you.  I mean, I have always been wound up pretty tight.  It’s common knowledge if you know me, or know anything about me.  But, something is different this time.  Something isn’t right.  My body can’t be trusted.  Just like my brain can’t be trusted, either.  I don’t know how to cope.  I am trying to distract myself with things, but I have to be careful what type of things I surround myself, you know?  I know it’s a drag to hear from your “friend who always complains”.…but, don’t judge them.  Don’t think you know what they are carrying because you have no idea.

Believe me, I know that every person is the world is affected right now.  Trust me, if I could fix my brain and my body, I would have done it last week.  I know I am powerless, but this is kicking my trash.  Hard.  Please don’t get it twisted.

Checking in for hope

I am probably going to be writing more lately.  I mean, I kept this blog going all these years as a tool to help me process my emotions.  In case it wasn’t clear, I am greatly struggling right now.  People are losing their minds.  People are judging those they don’t know.  People are being cruel.  People are forgetting we came to this Earth with our God-given agency.  People are trying to get in my business.  People are bullying me because I choose different than they do.  People are horrific (especially those on the Twitter).  I am not coping well with this.  I cannot work.  I cannot eat.  I feel like something is really wrong with me.  I mean, there is something wrong with my mind.  I cannot detach from this because people are coming – for – me and it’s now affecting my career.  I beg of you, wherever you land on the v a (( i n e…….please check yourself if you’re contributing to the divide in our nation.

Pray for the world

This isn’t OK. What’s happening in the world is terrifying. People are losing their minds. I am not a second class citizen for using my God-given agency. I am losing my wits about me and that is so scary to me. I can’t work. I can’t sleep. My anxiety is running at 100. I can’t continue. I can’t function.

I implore you to look at yourself closely: if you support removing a person’s right to choose for themselves, you are furthering the divide in this country.

Dear Lord, please help and protect us. If people continue to treat others in this disgusting manner, what will ever happen to us? This nightmare will never end and I need Your help to endure this. Is there Light at the end? Is there a way out?

My body my choice. Until it isn’t.